I am lack with courage

I am lack with Courage

It was so important for me to stand strong. I guess my way to look dependable make me feel so tired. But I want to be there when I should be there for them no matter when for these two last year. The thing is courage. I tend to get emotional and make things more difficult. Thus my courage to stand strong is getting weaker than ever. I used to despised them so much before, but now I guess that feeling is turn into something call love. I care so much that I feel responsible for everything they might done. Maybe it is too drastic to call them my soul-mates but these friends are definitely in that category. I can say, do and act anything in front of them and they will accept and critised me for that. It is all that I need as the oldest one. I might not be the most matured one in this group, but still I can be the most dependable one, right? For me to continue to be one, I always ask for their opinions. They never realised it actually. Only by being something different will provoke them to show me their true feelings. That's why I am so grateful to them. Allah is the only One I can turn to, to help me, give me strength and ideas to be sure of myself.

I never got over you

Ex-Girlfriend Club

Bang Myungsoo, a webtoon creator fell in love again with his soulmate Kim Soojin, a clueless movie Director. But it is all what life potray, you fell with someone you have seen your whole life. And it become the most treasured time just because it's love.Some even say love strat anywhere, anytime with anyone it want. Though people try to control the thing call love, but no one has manage to do it, except the love for Him. For Him the love can be send in a massive value or the minimalist. But for me, the love for Him should not be measured, cause He never measure His love towards us, He gives love endlessly and it always cherish us even after death, then why do we could even think to not love Him...? We say we human are weak, but at the same time we say he perfected us as creatures whom roam freely the world He created. I would never imagine what it would be like.... to loose the love He give....

What is right?!

What is right?!

This is the very first time, I say this in the blog. I am afraid of the future lies in front of me. I will never be able to trust people whom I used to trust. Probably too much dramas cause this stupid indictment but I feel deep down in my heart that I am just some trained slave to be used in the future. As a slave I have no space for complaining or asking what so ever. All I have to do is listen, study and embrace what comes ahead. Not knowing whether it’ll be a good thing for my future or not. To tell the truth, I am still studying for my Bachelor in Education. It cause me already 4 years and I have two years left. I am blessed the government decide to fund my studies. They gave me quite a handful of money compared to the other students. It is a large sum I think, since it is only for our accommodation and living expenses. But not for an exam fee which we then told to pay with that particular money they gave. Fine, we understand. Then a storm strike. My course was supposed to be continued in the country where the native speakers are, yet suddenly we were told that this batch will not be going since they are lack with money. Still I was happy because we manage to take an exam not equal but suffix to enter the higher education. Yes the same thing happen. I also need to pay for this one. Adding up the amount from the previous exam it was less than RM 1000. So we decided to claim when we found out that the previous batch who went to that country didn’t have to pay.

Then a letter was made. With careful and full of responsibilities we sent it to the higher authority. The wait began. A year later, our junior got the payment. But we? Don’t ask. We cried blood and tears yet everyone said we are not under their concern. “You were shift to another department and you jump a year for the claim to be paid”. Really? I thought a shift wouldn’t make such different. Since they should be holding to previous funds from the old the department. Or should they not? How does the government work? Why would such differences come? Why us? I still remember when we dutched our money to help each other. We were not the smallest batch but the weakest I guess. People can ask us to do anything they want but we never complain. They said we should be grateful that the government helped you. Yes they did. I won’t say that it wasn’t enough. But it is worth it to hurt our feelings like this? We fought with our teachers, they fought among themselves and people never knew how painful it was to have such argument. So then we decided to do this the old fashion way. Parent. We discussed and wrote letter of inquiry and signed by our parent. The letters were almost there when so suddenly the teachers decided to help us without our acknowledgement which resulting in more fights. They want to claim only for the second exam. Which led me to write this.

They said facts has shown that anyone who go against the country will be blacklisted. I wonder why? Not just that a storm of difficulties will happen to us just because we sent a letter of inquiry asking for the current condition of our course, but your whole family will be jeopardised. Are we enemies of the country? We are just the citizen who have right to speak. I will never understand the truth about this country whom never seems to show me what a great country it really is. All I ever heard was the government is taking advantages, the opposition is doing the same. So which part of this country really is good? All I ever know was, once you say no, they will always say no. I felt betrayed. Honestly does it need for such thing to happen? I can never trust the government anymore. I guess I lost my trust in them. But I’m feeling so down because it happen on a cause of money.  No one seems to understand our feelings. They manage to break us apart and I can’t do anything at all. Now I understand why this country is sometime corrupted. Yes I’m not a dean list students who can achieve 4.0 CGPA, I’m not studying doctorate, or architecture or even philosopher. But I am one of the future stems who will colour this country. I am one the future human being who will teach the future generations. And what should I tell them. I am sorry for this long text of mine, but I am so heartbroken with the fact that we the citizen did not have the right that they proclaimed we had.

I have seen so much problems. Some within myself. I just wished that I am brave enough to see the truth until the end. I should have been braver, but now being an adult makes me a coward. I don’t see myself as the old, young me anymore. All I see is someone who talks at the back and lay low, to have a better and quiet life. Which deep in heart tells me that this is wrong.

End.

A Student of a Teaching Institute somewhere in the world.